The following is a basic manuscript of what I shared with the family of Emmanuel Baptist Church on Sunday morning December 4. This was more difficult than I even imagined it would be. It was hard to look into the faces of people that I love and people that have trusted me and loved me. The consequences for sin can be difficult, even seemingly unbearable, but God is sufficient. He has reminded me that I need to love Jesus more than I love anything, including Emmanuel Baptist Church and the pastoral ministry. I losty a lot as a result of my sin, but I gained a purity and depth in my relationship with Christ. Thank you all for your continued prayers and love.
Good Morning. Standing behind this pulpit is a special privilege. It is a humbling and fearful thing. I always counted it such an honor to stand behind any pulpit, but especially here at Emmanuel. It is realities like these that make this moment, and the last few months, a difficult time, but a time of growth and spiritual renewal.
As you know, I have had a recurring struggle with the sin of pornography. These sinful actions and choices were most prevalent many years ago. I was brought to confront them at that time. My wife, Crystal, and I dealt with this sin at that time. However, I did not deal with it thoroughly. In my pride and arrogance, I kept the circle small – convincing myself that I was strong enough to not choose that path anymore. My heart desired God and that was enough – so I thought. I never got the help that God says is necessary. God designed the church as picture of His Body, each part needs the others. I was choosing to act on my own, out of fear, pride, and embarrassment.
Though I had much more victory than defeat, I continued to struggle with the same sins, always telling myself, “It isn’t that bad, just fix your mind, and stop it.” I was living in denial.
The sin was exposed again recently, precisely because I never dealt with it fully in the first place. It is time to do so now. Of course, I don’t have a choice in many ways. But I have asked the Lord to use this time in my life to help me fully eradicate this sin once and for all.
Pornography is a sin against God. We are told in 1 Peter 1 to be Holy as He who called us is Holy. I did not live a Holy thought life. I have sought the forgiveness of God and he has delivered as He promises. When we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. David declares in Psalm 37, “Though a man stumble He will not be utterly cast down. The Lord holds him up in His right hand.” I have stumbled but God has not and will not cast me out. I am experiencing his holding me up.
Pornography is a sin against my wife and family as well. Eph 5 calls for a man to love His wife as Christ loves the church. We are told in Prov 5 to be wholly devoted to and satisfied with our wives. I betrayed the promises I made to her before God. I have sought her forgiveness and my loving gracious wife has extended that forgiveness to me once again. She is a model of the mercy of God. I explained to my children that I had made sinful choices that led to me no longer being a pastor. My family is understanding the corporate consequences of personal sin, like Nehemiah talks about in chapter 1.
In this case, my sin is also a sin against you, the family of Emmanuel Baptist. You untrusted me with spiritual ministry that Scripture says in 1 Tim 3 requires a blameless lifestyle – above reproach. I failed you and sinned against you. I am sorry for that sin and seek your forgiveness today. I love this church – the people of this church. I am truly sorry for the way I have hurt you and set a poor example for you and your families. God has blessed me and my family so much over the past three months through you. This church has modeled the biblical picture of forgiveness, restoration and community. Thank you for the calls, cards, emails, meals, and love and prayer! We truly love you and miss you.
Crystal and I have enjoyed the counsel and friendship of Paul and Maddie Walberg since our early days here at Emmanuel. In the last few months, however, God has used their wisdom and love to help me focus on true repentance.
True repentance involved more than an intellectual owning of guilt and more than emotional sorrow – both of which I have and continue to experience. True repentance also involves a deliberate change of lifestyle. With my wife and the Walbergs, I have worked to radically amputate the sin of pornography and create systems of protection, accountability and counsel. But sins like these run much deeper. I must deal with heart sins of pride, arrogance, trust, and selfishness.
The greatest weapon we have to battle these sins the Word of God. Ps 119.10-12 talks about guarding ones heart with the Word. That is a military term that refers to setting up a perimeter defense. These verses also talk about storing up the word, like having barns full of grain for later use. While I have always loved the Word and God and have loved to study and crack open the truths of God’s Word, my relationship with the Word has been largely academic – learning the science of theology so I can write, teach and preach. I worked over the last few months to be much more devotional in my study of God’s Word. For example, my wife and I choose a passage for each week. For a whole week we read, meditate and seek to apply that passage in our everyday lives. We talk about it each evening. This creates a defense around my heart and mind like the Scriptures talks about. Another way that I have tried to fill my head and heart with the word is by cds and Christian radio. Those of you who know me know that I am a talk radio junkie – truly a news junkie. I have tried to turn off the news and talk shows often in order to listen to CDs or Christian Radio.
My prayer life has also been largely ‘work.” I pray for my family, I pray for my church, I pray for the ministries I am involved in, I even pray for my Pastor. But it was more a scheduled thing of work rather than a lifestyle of praying without ceasing. I am trying, with varied success, to be more spontaneous and devotional – relational – in my prayer life. I am trying to pray for people at my work before I meet with them. I try to prayer for people I see in cars around me.
Repentance involves the intellect, emotion and will. In the past my half attempts at repentance have included the intellectual owning of guilt and the emotional sorrow, but rarely an intentional change of the will. I am working, by the grace of God to radically amputate this sin and fully repent. Again, I am here to seek your forgiveness as a church family. Please continue to pray for me and for my family. We love you and thank you for the love and grace you have demonstrated to us!
Grace to you, my friends!
On Christmas day I was delighted to finally meet one of my all time favorite bloggers, Jeremy Weaver (Doxoblogy). It was a very brief visit, but certainly an encouraging one. Jeremy's blog ministry has been a great encouragement to my heart. I even got my picture taken with Jeremy and John Cole (thanks Rose, for letting me steal your picture!).
