Which Theologian Are You?

Follow this link to a quick quiz to see which theologian your beliefs line up with. Not surprisingly, I ranked with Luther and Edwards. I was pretty close with Calvin - it was the padeobaptism that threw me off!

Click Here to take the quiz.

Have fun... and let me know what you find out!

Grace to You!

Martin Luther 80% Anselm 80% Jonathan Edwards 80% John Calvin 73% Karl Barth 67% Friedrich Schleiermacher 60% Charles Finney 33% Paul Tillich 20% Augustine 13% Jürgen Moltmann 13%

Which theologian are you?
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Semi-pelagian Catechism

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EDITOR'S NOTE: The tongue-in-cheek catechism below was clearly written by a covenant minded Presbyterian, hence the jokes about Baptism.  But it is still humorous. Don't take it too seriously, have some fun!
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WARNING! If you think you might be able to do something worthy of earning heaven, you might be a bit offended... but read on anyway!

The Semi-Pelagian Narrower CatechismThe Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism
1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the first and great commandment.

2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved as he can.

3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my personal lord'n'saviour

4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of Accountability.

5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.

6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in my own words.

7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.

8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that we are sick or injured in them.

9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official Decision card.

10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.

11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.

12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.

13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!

14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!

15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we may win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief aid whereby we may win souls.

16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful Plan for my life.

17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives untilthe day we got saved.

18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!

19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may save large crowds of souls in a spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.

20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys' Brigade, the Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; of if I put on the helmet of Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of Tribulationism, and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of Arminianism.

21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.

22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.

23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.

24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our eyes.

25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.

26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.

27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read to his soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books of Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.

28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel, and who doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.

29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.

30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic Church whereby men are drawn into idolatry.

31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in the which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body and blood.

32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean it.

33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a sermon, fellowship and donuts.

34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.

35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.

36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.

37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.

38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are now living, in which the Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly appear.

39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape these dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our Blessed Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.

40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.

41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you be?
A: There.

42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!

43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!

44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.

45. Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.

Nightmare at Panera

I am sitting in a Panera eating an Asiago Roast Beef sandwich (which I love!). I typically find Panera to be a great place to get away from my office for a bit to read, study or write. Panera offers free wireless internet access and as much Hazelnut House Blend coffee as I can drink. Contrary to how this sounds, it is not a commercial for Panera. In fact, I am doing everything in my power not to get up and storm out of here this very moment. It must be the beautiful Spring day that brings them out. Today Panera is filled with mothers and preschool age children. It might have something to do with the fact the this particular café is located adjacent to the largest mall here in Toledo. But they are out in droves!

To my right is three mothers with a total of five children, the oldest can’t be more than four years old. They are very well behaved. Eating politely and (mostly) quietly. In fact the oldest of the kids is actually holding and bottle feeding a newborn. A beautiful picture. On my left, however, is a mother and presumably a grandmother (neither one deserving such esteemed titles) and two of the most disrespectful children I have ever seen. I was just coughed on – I mean directly coughed on! This brother and sister are yelling, pushing and playing tug-o-war with the high chair. Another couple of ladies just got up, gathered their meals and all the papers they were shuffling through and moved to a table as far away as possible, and threw back a few glares like only women can as they walked away. The mother of the monsters didn’t even notice. She is too busy drinking her pop to notice her own children let alone the glares of the customers whose lives and lunches she is ruining. It is like a scene from a movie. The monsters are now licking, yes that is what I said, licking the exit doors and blocking the way of the kindly old ladies trying to get out. Oh, mommy just notices the nightmare. “Sammy, come here!” That’s all we get, “Sammy, come here!” This will be one of those instances that require a mop and a bucket of disinfectant cleaner when the mob finally leaves.

Now, understand I have three children with a fourth on the way. I know children can be crazy at times, even monstrous. Elisabeth, Rebekah and Jonathan are not angels. They present their challenges in many a public place. Ask my wife about trying to get them from their classrooms, retrieve their coats and get them to the van after a Sunday morning service, all the while trying to be the friendly, caring Pastor’s wife that she is. It is often not a pretty scene – it is after all nap time and lunch time.

This whole mob situation to my left causes me to praise the Lord for my wife once again. Together we have worked diligently, though not always consistently, at raising our children to reflect the graces of Christ in their everyday lives. Our children are just that – children. They are not angels, but neither are they monsters. That is a direct result of discipline on the part of my wife and I! Left to themselves they would in fact be monsters. They would be much like the little demons that have finally left here (and by the way, the mop and bucket have arrived!) I am reminded that I must be ever faithful in the work of shepherding the hearts (and indeed the actions) of my children. Correcting them when they lick a door or cough on a nice gentleman typing on his computer is important, but that will not change behavior. Stern, immediate discipline coupled with the long term discipleship efforts will produce a heart of obedience and life that honors the Lord. It doesn’t happen immediately, but it must start in the immediate. A swift stern paddle across the buttocks will not alone change behavior. But coupled with an intentional teaching plan that involves planned moments of instruction and spontaneous life lessons will, over the long haul, produce the desired result of Christlikeness in them.

May we be ever faithful to the most important task we have been given as parents, nurturing Christian maturity in our children.

Grace to You!